Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Awwwww shit.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Welcome

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no