A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
This makes total sense…
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO