A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
