A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying