[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high