[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
