Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

Breaking news:

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

May never get over this

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex