Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

There’s no “us” in nachos.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

wtf is a larm clock?

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown