A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
🤣😂🤣😂
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’m giving up for Lent.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.