A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.