A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
You Might Also Like
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”