Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

*seductively eats two tums*

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

<—- homeless romantic

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-