A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Velcrow
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
