A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.