A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
me refusing to leave twitter
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest