A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
all that yoga finally paid off
