A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?