A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
