A Short Story.
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9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’m pretty like a car crash.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends