A Short Story.
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ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
still the best tweet of the year by far
