A Short Story.
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I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Dietest Coke
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you