A short story about romance.
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?