A short story about romance.
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
it is time once again
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
SCARY COSTUME
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins