A short story of betrayal:
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it