Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

My age is news to me every single time I remember

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids