A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.