A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
You Might Also Like
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft