Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.