A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
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A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
congratulations to them
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
