Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

How do dragons blow out candles?

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

I was just discussing this with my cat

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.