Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Stop making fast and furious movies.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

hmmmmmm

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away