a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.