a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us