A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
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[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
A roof is a house hat.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”