A sick whale is called an unwhale
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
HERE’S MARKY
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.