A sick whale is called an unwhale
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me refusing to leave twitter
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If you know, you know
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.