A sick whale is called an unwhale
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.