Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*