Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

dead inside

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!