Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.