Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

True freaking story!