Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]