Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Jurassic park gets weird

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?