A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Siri: Retweet me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean