Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Traveler’s camo

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history