*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
