Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

I’d hang this in my house.

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’