Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

this site is so cooked lol

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

ouch

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no