Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk