*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day