A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps

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[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon


I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it


Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*


My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.


First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though



– Bible
– iBible iPhone app
– Holy Water
– Priest
– Jesus
– 5 Jesus necklaces
– Holy Spirt


You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.


My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2