A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.