A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
