Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

#SCOTUS one-star review

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

File under excellent bookstore names.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

when you are just born a rebel

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

.. do you even science?

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.