A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
