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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man