Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.