Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys