Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fantasy football season is going great

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

There are usually two types of merchants.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex