@bourgeoisalien

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

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@mjkspeaks

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

@babyitsmb

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

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@WheelTod

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@orange_rhymer

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math