A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
it must be school picture day
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..