@bourgeoisalien

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

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@thombodytolove

really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere

@zebrasyndicate

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

@Buffalojilll

Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

@KarenLyneButler

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

@Dawn_M_

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@UncleDuke1969

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.