A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing