A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I have a black belt in leather
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
This did not end as expected.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.