A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Lube but for my dry humor.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.