A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza