A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
You Might Also Like
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars