A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Doctors texting each other.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.