A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
<—- homeless romantic
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”