Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

Actually cracking up @ this

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep