A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Bootstraps
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
