A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*pokes sex life with a stick
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.