Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.