A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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Math at Halloween.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*watches the world burn*
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
meanwhile over on facebook
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.