My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
waiter: and for you sir?
me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The New Yorker has 0 chill
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.