A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
shut up and take my money
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR