A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Hello Twits.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.